Future Shmuture

I've been thinking a lot about what I want lately.  Not the little things, like what I want for dinner, what I want the dirty dishes to magically do, what temperature I want every day in February to feel like, but the big existential answers.

You know, the questions you get at family events.  Aunt So-and-so pulls you aside and asks, "So Nicole, what do you want to do with the rest of your life?"  Or more accurately, "You've had a few jobs now, have you thought about your ideal career?"  Sometimes a good friend will probe about my feelings on my faith these days, or about must-haves in a future home. 

They're all such valid questions, you know?  Like, I've reached quarterlife, I should have some answers.  Right?  No?  Am I off the hook?  (I'm going to assume you answered no, right, yes and we'll stay friends)

But something, this little nagging bumblebee is buzzing in my ear that I should know.  And I want this hornet to go back and tell that queen to shove herself full of honey.  Or.  Well, something.  You'll have to pardon my metaphors as I'm a little mixed up about my future.

Here's the thing, I know a couple must-haves I want.  If you read half the posts you know that one thing, the thing, I want is a screaming, crying, keep-me-up-at-night, joy-of-my-life, funny-looking, chubby-cheeked, stinky-pooping baby.  I want the whole shebang, and I want it yesterday.  But that's out of my control for the foreseeable future.

I watched Social Network today and thought about how everybody's different.  I thought about how I want my family to grow and my love to be shared and my relationships to deepen, but that that's just me.  And while sometimes I even forget that other people see that as selfish, or confusing, or impractical.  We can both be right though, I think.  After all, for others the big goals are more creative or lucrative.  Starting a business.  Climbing a career ladder.  Changing the world, or the policies of the world, or making the world last as an eco-friendly something-or-other for many more years.  These are great passions too.

I'm getting all jumbled around here because, see, being existential isn't something I do too often.  It's like staring at the Big Dipper and wondering if there's an end to the universe, what's beyond that end? Can it really end? Wouldn't whatever be defined as outside the end of the universe just be part of the universe?  Isn't the universe all encompassing?  Deep, mind-boggling questions here.

I wonder all this right now because this was a week of getting what I don't want.  A single line on the test.  A slightly disappointing work week for J-Man.  A parking ticket to pay and DMV registration to complete and an endless closet of laundry that somehow regenerates at an exponential rate.

What I do want, besides the well-discussed obvious, is pretty simple.  I want lazy Sundays with my loverman.  I want ice cream that won't give me brain freeze.  I want sunshine and Christmas twice a year and the ability to make friends like four year olds.  Where you can just hold someone's hand, tell them they have cool toys and not feel self-conscious.  Ever. 

You know?

And I want you to know, that whether I get anything I want.  Whether I have a testimonial epiphany, or get a promotion, or get to see my adorable nephews I miss like crazy or buy a house or anything.  Whether I do any of that.  It doesn't really mean anything without having people around me.  Family. Friends. Etc.

As I sat around a table with one other young couple and three older couples, parents of teenagers, the best piece of wisdom I got was to live each phase in my life. To live it and love it because they keep changing.  Kids come, grow up, leave. Friends come and go.  Money, houses, jobs.  Even sometimes, despite one's best efforts, spouses can come and go.  I pray I never have to feel that.

So this is me, going to snuggle with my J-Man on the couch.  Watching whatever he wants to watch tonight.  Eating cereal for dinner, drinking juice from the carton, and letting the last load of laundry stay in the dryer until tomorrow.  That's my phase right now.  That's what I want today.

I'll let you know later if I figure out anything else.