Good Riddance, 32

Guess who just finished celebrating her first solo birthday with her first solo wedding! That's right, this woman right here.

 (I was gonna write "this girl" but at 33, it's time I call myself a woman, I think.)

Now, I can't say that I survived the birthday weekend unscathed. I mean, I did sob while driving through the pouring rain at 8am after dropping off the boys, but a phone call to Big Sis and reassuring texts from KB and other friends helped keep it the only real cry of the day.

With that behind me I ventured out to get my hair relaxed at a new salon. And no, I haven't dyed the gray yet. Despite lots of people asking me. Just so you know, I don't plan on changing my mind any time soon, but feel free to keep asking. Seriously. The endless inquiries make me feel amazing. So young. So beautiful. So treasured for my intellect and personality. Can you tell how much I love being judged for something my body is doing naturally? I'm looking at you, random man at Target who felt the need to know if all that gray was real. Awesome.

Less sarcastically, I ate at the bar in Olive Garden while reading another Liane Moriarty novel and it was pretty fantastically self-indulgent.

So with my hair done and lasagna enjoyed I joined KB and O and hit the road to wild and wonderful WV for SA's wedding. There was a moment during the rehearsal when I realized I'd be walking down the aisle to the same song I walked down my own wedding aisle to and my eyes welled on instinct, but remembering it was SA's day and she is an incredible and wonderful friend, I told my emotions to save the pity party for another weekend and pushed through.

After that moment I honestly forgot it was my birthday for hours. We ate and laughed and crossed our fingers the weather would stay warm and sunny for Saturday (spoiler: it didn't). At the end of the night, back in the amazing cabin that we hope to revisit in September - according to Big O we will definitely be back, and fishing, with the little ones - we ate birthday cookies and it sunk in that I was 33.

The next day there were only tiny moments of heartbreak that sneaked in. I knew they would. I breathed them in and exhaled them back out. I accepted hugs from kind friends old and new, and I danced. A lot. With a confidence I owe to J-Man and eleven years of him insisting we always be on the dance floor within minutes of it being opened to the crowd. I wished I had someone to dance with. Then a new song would come on and I'd shoo that thought away and keep dancing.

I kept dancing.

And dancing.

And dancing.

Until the band packed up and we were the final twelve or so folks on the floor.

It kept my body warm in the crazy-cold, see-your-breath, wear-a-coat-through-dinner, night.

It kept my heart warm to be in motion. To cling to the songs about love and happiness and celebration, even if they all didn't feel 100% like current anthems.

SA's wedding was beautiful, and deserves more of a post than this, but what I realized about myself through the weekend is that for my 33rd year, I'm ready to be a doer. I'm ready to say yes. I'm ready to take the confidence I learned in the early years with J-Man, braving the chaos of Harlem and NYCTF, two cross-country moves, the madness of questionable fertility, the juggling act of two under two, and keep pushing forward.

I'm going to say yes more this year.

Yes, I'm going to NYC in two weeks.

Yes, I plan to have applied to grad school by my next birthday.

Yes, I will be on that committee or go to this yoga class or help out with those activities.

Even, yes I will recognize that I need a good cry, YA book and early bedtime to recharge before continuing to say yes to something else.

Yes, I will be happy this year.

Good riddance, 32. You brought too much heartache. You left too many scars. You demanded too many tears and compromises and surrenders.

Hello, 33. Bring on your adventures. Show me your hidden surprises. Tempt me with your possibilities. Teach me what to do with this bowl of lemons because I'm ready for the pitchers and pitchers of lemonade now.

Bring. It. On.

NYC Revisited: Day One

Earlier this year a few girls in my first period class taught me all the wonders of Snapchat. This obviously made me feel old, but also brought me around to capturing the fun moments in life as they arise, writing all over them, and then adding stickers. Like this...

And while instagram is trying to steal the Snap thunder with their story feature, I've only just recently gotten the hang of these, and won't be converting to anything new too soon. So, since you probably aren't one of the four people who ever look at my snaps, let me use them to tell you a little about J-Man's and my trip back to NYC.

First off, it should be noted that Facebook reminded me that J-Man and I have been friends for ten years now. And that's pretty exact, because back in '06 I was pretty quick to add a friend right after meeting them in order to preserve that connection forever. I was in a brand new city, he was a crazy guy who invited me to see spectacles, we were both on a journey to make a difference and be grown-up teachers. Oh, and he had air conditioning.

Ten years later we were back to see another Teaching Fellow, E-Drizzle get married. We hopped on an Amtrak train, left the little guys behind, and set forth into nostalgia.

Within minutes of hailing our first cab (J-Man didn't want to subway and I felt weird using Uber in the world of yellow taxis) we remembered just how loud and smelly and hot and vibrant the city is. We dodged a street fair and multiple ambulances as we swerved our way to the Upper West Side to stay in our friend EK's lovely apartment. There we'd stay alongside another couple attending a different NYC wedding while EK and her husband were off at yet another wedding in Wisconsin.

Within the next hour we bumped into my friend V - who tends to disappear for months at a time - so it was pretty amazing that our paths crossed at all. We promised to catch up later and continued on our way.

E-Drizzle's wedding was lovely, even though we ended up inside rather than the outdoor park as they'd hoped. It was me, J-Man and two other former NYCTF English teachers and we hung out and talked books. My self-published one, another's upcoming poetry one, and another's currently in the query phase one. After some bouts of not feeling very accomplished in life lately, that conversation reminded me to snap out of it and enjoy the things that have made me happy. I wrote a book. It exists, imperfections and all, and it's ok to feel proud of that.

I proceeded to eat too much, meet new people, dance a bit, smile a ton, and have a fantastic time in the upstairs bar reception. The whole event was incredibly New York, and incredibly them and came along with the beauty of remembering my own vows in the place where I met the man I would love more passionately than I could have ever imagined.

cab ride home - 2016

cab ride home 2006

The day was wonderful, the company too, and it was only the first of the fantastic trip.

Miss L's California Wedding Weekend

I've told you all about how much I love weddings, right? I mean, every time I go to one I record it here. First of all, I usually dress up and try to look pretty for weddings, so I'm more likely to take pictures. Like this one here - I even wore makeup! When's the last time I took a picture without a child on my hip?!

This wedding was fantastic.  Really.  Yes, it was terrible being away from all three of my darling boys from Thursday night until practically Monday morning, but I found that whole saying about absence making the heart grow fonder to be true.  That, and I might've been distracted by the beautiful beaches.

So who got married?  Why Miss L - a longtime friend from high school.  Like too many friends, we seem to have missed living in the same city, as she moved west only a few months after I got to her former city. I sadly didn't get any good photos of the bride at the wedding - a mistake I make almost every time I attend one - but can tell you that she was stunning. Just trust me.

I got in a day early to make the most of this solo trip.  I got to sleep in until 4:30am (which is kinda sleeping in when you factor in the time difference) and then play around M&N's new apartment in San Fran.  I watched multiple episodes of a terrible ABC family show about a foster kid and her teen drama while M&N worked half day and packed.

The road trip was longer than I expected, but luckily these gals also love NPR and musical soundtracks so we were set.  That and N introduced me to Mary Lambert's Secrets which became the official background track of the weekend.

We stayed in an adorable cottage just minutes away from a beautiful California beach. All beaches are beautiful I guess, but the fact that my feet weren't burning in the sand, while my hair got to blow in the wind made it a little surreal in its beauty. We frolicked around with Miss F, all taking a billion photos, until it was finally time to get gussied up for the main event.

Miss L works for Google, so we were shuttled to the venue in fancy Google buses, then escorted up the golf course in chauffered golf carts. The scenery was breathtaking and the ceremony matched their personalities brilliantly.  I missed having someone's leg to squeeze during the serious moments, but it didn't keep me from getting all teary reflecting on my own vows from not that long ago.

Unsurprisingly the meal was delicious, the dancing long-lasting, and the details carefully attended for the rest of the evening.  Yes, we ate a lot of pie, sat cozy around woodfires, danced barefoot, and took silly photos with inside-joke hashtags.

Overall it was an amazing weekend with a beautiful reason to celebrate. And after it all, what a great week it's been to be back cuddling all my boys.

Six Years with J-Man

Six years ago my J-Man and I stood before our closest friends and family (quite possibly you) and vowed sweet and lovely things to each other. A hurricane was sweeping by, we were between careers and cities, a funk band was ready to rock out, and we were madly in love.

In the midst of wedding planning, we realized just how expensive every tiny detail is. They really tug at your heartstrings telling you that each cost is worth it because "you only get married once." Or, in most cases at least, you only marry that person once.

But videographers. What an expense! Over a thousand dollars for a videotape I'd never watch again?! J-Man and I agreed we'd skip that one, and splurge on the music and food instead. Thankfully, I happened to remember a friend whose parents had dutifully videotaped every race we'd ever run as track athletes in high school. Who better to ask to videotape one more PR?

Miss F and her parents graciously agreed, and soon after the wedding J-Man and I got the DVD of our big day.

We love it.

So now, every year, we curl up together and watch it in each other's arms. Despite being tear-free on that day, I can't get through our vows without big, sloppy tears anymore. I still laugh when J-Man says he'll put the toilet seat down, not put my good jeans in the dryer, and mow the lawn.

It's a wonderful feeling to know I love this man as much today as I did then.  It's a blessing to realize that I found a complement to my strengths and weaknesses while still so young.

I love that little video, and I love the opportunity it gives me, year after year, to squeeze my J-Man and let him know he's still the man I never knew I always wanted. And the best father I could imagine for our boys.

We snuggled, I cried, we smiled, and in our typical diminishing style, decided "eh, I'm in for one more year if you are."

Bring it on, year number seven.

M&N's Wedding

I'm sure I've said it before, but I love weddings!  I really do.  I love how happy everyone is.  The people getting married.  The people involved in the wedding.  The people in the audience, watching the two in love, reflecting on their own loves.

So. Much. Love.

I get all sappy at weddings.  Especially during the vows.  I can't even blame it on pregnancy this time - I'm just a softie who loves hearing people say sweet things to the person they don't ever want to live without.  Oh, and I should mention, these vows were fabulously crafted, extended metaphors on tandem biking.  Exquisite.

The other thing I love is how weddings are such a great fit for the couple.  Like, this wedding screamed M&N because it was their day.  The wedding I attended for Miss R in October had a totally different feel and was equally amazing because it screamed R&G.

Bonus points if you can find Miss F in all but one of these :)

Can I say though, I'm kinda glad I got married before all my friends started attending bunches of weddings and would have opinions one way or another about any choices I made.  Not that I'd change them.  I loved my wedding.  I just know that being me, I'd manage to worry.  Even just the anxiety of the possibility of added pressure would get me.  Which, when it comes to anxiety, it's all about perception anyway.  So yeah. Phew.  And if you're reading this and not married and one day I'll get to be invited, know that I will be oohing and ahhing no matter what decisions you make on the billion choices that go into a wedding day. Because, if you hadn't gathered, I love weddings.

So, right, back to M&N.  It was fabulous.  J-Man enjoyed the light-hearted homily that acknowledged without overstating the same-sex nature of the union.  And the oysters.  And the seared tuna.  And the fact that the dancing started full-on before the salads were even served.

I loved the dresses and the venue (which I introduced to M back when we saw Music Man there) and the way the two of them looked at each other and smiled all night.  And the photo booth.  And the mad libs.

There was just so much to love.

Above all, I got to spend the evening with three of my favorite ladies.

It was a night out that I really needed.  A chance to dress up and dance with J-Man and be carefree (except for the necessary pumping in the bathroom) and feel young.

I'm lucky that I found my someone to love and that we still feel the same, even seven years later.  I'm lucky to have sweet boys to care for, and parents who will care for them instead when I need a break.  I'm so glad to see M&N enjoy that same lucky feeling too.

Miss R's Wedding

A few weeks ago was J-Man's 30th birthday.  And like a true grown up that he now is, he unselfishly gave up the weekend for a trip to New Jersey for one of my closest high school friends' wedding. Yeah, he's pretty swell.

The trip started a bit rocky, not gonna lie.  Getting out of DC, even during a government shutdown where traffic was significantly less than usual, is always a nightmare.  Then, 295 adds its own brand of agony.  By the time we'd reached Baltimore it was like we'd been on the road forever.

We couldn't agree on a dinner location, so somewhere outside of Havre de Grace we ended up at a restaurant as the youngest customers by a good 30 years.  On the up side, PDG ran freely through the quiet establishment to the amusement of grandmas and grandpas, the servings were huge, and J-Man and I really did need a chance to decompress before the rest of the trip.

We finally arrived around 11pm, got little man settled into his crib and passed right out.

The next morning we got to see the beautiful bride, whose room was down the hall, our friend FR, also down the hall, and our friends (now engaged!!!) M and N, who somehow got placed on a totally different floor.

The G's were up before everyone else - shocker! - so we had one breakfast, and then later another with the ladies.  I think we even did a good job of not just focusing on old high school stories that bore my poor, patient husband.  We talked and talked and talked while PDG played with crayons and lights - another shocker - until we had just enough time to pretty ourselves for the big afternoon event.

Miss R, the bride, managed to plan a wedding that fit her personality and her relationship with her husband so perfectly.  That might be one of my favorite things about weddings - seeing how the personalities come through in every little selection.

Outside by a lake, as we sat on sheet-covered-hay-bails, Miss R traded vows of love and loyalty with G, in a sweet and short service.  We blew bubbles to celebrate before heading into the lodge for a cozy reception.  Pizza and beer were the appetizers - showing R's true Jersey roots - and let me tell you, that pizza was a-maz-ing.  Tortellini pizza?  Taco pizza?  BBQ chicken pizza?  Oh it was all there, and all so delicious that we forgot to save room for all the other food coming shortly thereafter.

PDG started the dance party immediately, and poked and prodded the speakers that were bigger than he was, trying to figure out just how this music was coming out.  Aside from one balance mishap leading to a little forehead carpet burn, nothing but food kept him from the dance floor all afternoon/evening.  When J-Man and I tired of dancing with him, others took over.  He even started to catch on when the chicken dance came on.

Miss R did her time on the dance floor, but as usual worried about the rest of us having a great time, as she mingled in her beautiful dress and held sweetly to her new husband.  She may not love the spotlight, but she deserved every second.

When it was time to wrap up, everyone pitched in.  Leftovers were divvied into take-home boxes, which served as perfect late night snacks.  Centerpieces were claimed, dishes returned to the kitchen, and the place was nearly cleared by the time we headed out.  Her family knows how to throw a party, and how to work together to clean one up.

Back at the hotel we talked and laughed more in FR's room until, unsurprisingly, I started to fall asleep mid-conversation.  Even though FR had just moved to DC, and M and N live here too, there's something about all being on one hall that felt like camp, or college, and we didn't want to end the socializing before we had to.

But home we came the next morning.  Back with a renewed appreciation of love and vows and marriage and family.  Back to our super cute little duplex with our super cute little toddler.  Back to less than cute jobs and alarm clocks.  But happy to have spent such a great weekend in a truly beautiful area of New Jersey with girls I've known for fifteen years and couldn't be happier to still have in my life.

Dear J-Man (5 years in)

Dear J-Man

Can you believe it's been five years since this?

Or this?

Since you promised so many sweet (and practical) things and I did the same.

And our friends danced the night away with our relatives.  So did we, of course.  So much so that my calves cramped when I finally got to sit down and eat cake in our little cottage.

Remember how happy we were?  Not, like, remember-when-things-were-great-and-now-they're-not, but, you know, remember that crazy-good and inexpressible happiness of tying your life to a person that is truly your best friend.

You really are my best friend, you know?  Sure, our beginning was unconventional.  But you had that A/C unit.  And you weren't scared to talk to me, despite me supposedly being 'standoffish.'  And if someone had told us at any point before we met that we would fall in love like we did, we would have laughed and moved on.

But somehow, we've never given up on each other.  Even when we drive each other crazy.  No matter how messy of a cook I am, and how infrequently I manage to adequately clean up from that.  No matter how loud you blast your gangsta rap.

These five years of marriage have reassured me daily that we did the right thing.  We were young.  We were a little reckless.  But J-Man, we were so happy.  I am so happy.  I don't think I could ever really tell you.

Thanks for being my baby-daddy.  My dance partner.  My chauffeur. My pop culture guru.  My pillow.  My rock.  My.... ok, it's getting sappy.  You get the point.

lovelovelove

your nicole

June Catch-Up

Now that I got all the pregnancy fear thoughts off my chest, can we talk about June?  Because, really folks, it did happen.  And I have a few pictures  I have to force you to look at share with you so that one day I can still call this blog my virtual scrapbook and be able to acknowledge just how much PDG grew.

Especially his hair.  Thank heavens!

First off, he started walking.  It happened over the course of about three days that he went from slyly doing two steps here or there, to five in a row, to straight up saying "peace out, ma" and making so many of my photos now be of his backside as he darts away.

He discovered headphones.  Which, like any rectangular object he deems a 'phone,' do not have to make any noise for him to enjoy dancing to/babbling into. 

 He also has continued his streak of loving food (though veggies are slowly but surely losing their appeal...) Father's day was all about crab legs at Whitlows - my two boys, eating until their bellies popped.

 Speaking of two boys, we had a great trip to the 'burbs with our BFFs and what gets cuter than two toddlers sharing a radio flyer wagon stroll on a Sunday afternoon?  They got less scared and more into it once we got rolling.  Pun obviously intended.

 PDG finally stepped up and tried out the rocking chairs out at Mama and Papa H's house.  Which he loved.  Now he thinks any chair his size is a rocking chair, and he makes the movements regardless of the chair's ability to shake with him.

 

And if you're reading this, then you know Big Sis got married.  Everyone was happy to celebrate her and her own "J-Man." (we'll get him a nickname of his own soon) PDG got fully in on the action, running in nearly constant circles around and around the dance floor.  Crowded?  No big deal, he could weave.  Empty?  More room for his circles. It's perfectly appropriate this photo is fuzzy, that's how on the move this new walker/runner was.

 As for his pregnant and still quite sick (though trying to hold it together) mama?  Can you see the makeup?  This one day I had on more makeup than cumulative from the entire previous year.  They AIRBRUSHED me!!!  I was kinda hormonal about it, assuming it meant I must be so hideous they had to hide the real me under all that makeup, but looking back, it looked pretty so I guess it wasn't some sort of conspiracy.  Though, asking for just little blush and eyeshadow was clearly not a language the makeup technician understood!

 

It was so hot in "the rock" as Big Sis calls it, that we made our first trip to a splash park.  We actually hit up two in one day.  These were at the first, where PDG was genuinely terrified, and gradually warmed up to tolerant of the experience.  By the second one, there were smiles and laughter.  You know PDG, everything in his own time, after he's thought it through very carefully.

As for his 15 month check up - he weighed 25lb 12 oz (87%) and measured 32" (80%) so one solid little man.  And we've tried peanut butter now, so no food allergies on any fronts.  Unless it's to something funky we haven't given him because we G's don't eat it ourselves.

July 4th stories and photos to come.

What Happens In Vegas

I know they say that what happens in Vegas is supposed to stay there, but I'm an oversharer by nature, so here are a few memorable happenings.

The Prologue
- That time our plane had an "indefinite delay" so we had to drive to a different airport
- And nursing in public switched to pumping in public... in the car... (sorry other cars at the stoplights!)
-Upgrades to first class
-Brock Lesnar on our flight (he is HUGE)

Day One
-Driving the very crowded strip (though, that memory and its associated stresses and ensuing arguments should be locked in a vault and never mentioned again)
-There are still places you can smoke inside?
-PDG meets his cousins
-Where's our luggage?
-Where's Parker's amazing, miracle, swaddling sleep sack?
-Where's my sleep?!?!?!
-J-Man is in the wedding party?  Oops!

Day Two
-Breakfast at Dennys: Do you need a children's menu? Do you want cheese on that? Or that? Or that?
-Sorry, your baby is under 21... no loitering by the slot machines
-Lunch buffet and that waitress who picked up PDG and swaddled him (well-intentioned but awkward)
-Oh, you're not supposed to iron all pants on the hottest setting?  Good thing we brought extras
-Empty arms, wedding bliss, desert oasis, ice sculptures, photo booth, giant shrimps, early departure

Day Three
-Driving the strip with Big Bro and the fam, much less stressful
-The nephews have discovered what's on those cards they aren't supposed to look at...
-3D M&Ms and Cokes from around the world
-Hotel lobbies, overpriced tourist food

Headed Home
-Early to bed, early to rise...
-...still makes traveling with an infant exhausting

Overall, well worth it.  But probably, if I'm being really real, Vegas might be one of those once in a lifetime like New Year's in Times Square experiences.

Sunshine in the NW

J-Man and I went to a lovely wedding recently, and it made us miss the Northwest oh so much. 

First, the weather did to me what it once did in February 2007 - it was beautiful.  That first visit, years ago, I remember telling my new love that his city's winters weren't bad at all, and clearly the world exaggerated when complaining about Seattle and this so called rain.  Silly world.  A similar naivete was shattered when I realized J-Man's family did not live in a house floating on the water a la Sleepless in Seattle, and that in fact, all Seattle houses were not like that. 

Still, the belief persisted that northwest rain was a myth by those who just couldn't appreciate 45 and partly cloudy.  Weak sauce.

Fast forward to me whole heartedly agreeing that we could move our combined new york city apartments across the country in an ABF truck and live happily for years 3000 miles away.  We arrived to beautiful sunny September weather (which is not a myth) and a few weeks in began the adventure of the G's versus the Gray.  You know we're back east now, so obviously the Gray beat our butts a little.

Anyway, we now joke on beautiful days about how that one fateful February fluke of weather altered the course of our life plans.  A gorgeous day and holding hands can do that.

On this particular ray of sunshine, someone else's life changed for the better too.  As J-Man and I squeezed each other's legs (or maybe that was just me?) Lady K and her own j-man expressed loving vows and promises and stories with the backdrop of Lake Washington and the support of friends and family.  We ate tasty treats and danced and laughed a lot as we wondered which of the frat friends might mess things up. 

Thankfully the answer was none - it seemed the bartenders had been given orders to cut people off before any such shenanigans of a recent wedding took place.

We enjoyed the perfect weather with a fabulous celebration and bragged to our east coasters about the mid seventies, no humidity, radiant sunshine. And when not stealing the spotlight from the lovely bride and groom, shared with a few more close friends our own life changing news on this perfect day. 

Thank heavens for sunshine, and happiness, and love, and the beautiful green northwest.  Oh, and for cabs so that sleepy pregnant wives can safely get back to the hotel.

Best wishes Lady K!

Staying with You

J-Man and I went to a wedding last weekend.

First, I love weddings.  I really, really do.  They make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.  They make me squeeze J-Man's leg, right above the knee-bone, and smile at him.  They make me trace an I and a heart and a U on his thigh and wait for him to look at me and say "on the west side?" They make me think about how every couple has inside jokes like that and how love is so universal and yet so unique between individual people. 

Weddings make me wear heels, which make me hold tight to J-Man's elbow while he escorts me places.  They make me dance the Cupid Shuffle and forget about how Papa H and Big Sis tease me for having missed out on the all-important black dancing gene, whenever I try the electric slide.

Weddings make me wrap my arms around J-Man's neck and sway to the cheesy love songs and let everything else fade away

This wedding was a little tougher, what with it starting 45 minutes late and including a cocktail hour in which we could only look at, but not partake of, the cocktails and sodas displayed.  That, and the lack of appetizers or bread, enough to make me want to fake diabetes just to get some crackers.  J-Man and I did slip into the exhibits to look at sniper rifles and tanks and replicas of 'winter on the front,' which, had we come to the National Museum of the Marine Corps for any other reason, would have been fascinating. 

Still, as the bride and groom entered as husband and wife to the beat of Nicki Minaj Moment 4 Life and immediately transitioned into the tune of Randy Travis Forever and Ever Amen for the first dance, I could feel it.

I remembered J-Man's and my song - Stay with You.  I used to sing the lyrics to him in my not so melodical voice, both before and after our big day.  It's been accepted that I love our song more than he does, but he loves it because I love it, and I love it because of the memories it jogs.

The first time I heard it I was on the 4 train heading home from classes at Lehman.  I was exhausted from another day in the life of a NYC teacher and further frustrated by spending a night at an institution determined to make everything more difficult for the teachers trying our best to serve our own students.  I had at least an hour of lesson planning ahead of me, crazy subway folks all around me, and I was on one of the grimy, old-school trains, with the orange and yellow seats.  I remember that my playlist was on random and I arrived at a song from an entire album brother-in-law had let me borrow.  I must've heard the song before, but maybe I'd just never listened?

I heard the words

Though relationships can get old
They have the tendency to grow cold
We have something like a miracle
Yeah, and I'll stay with you

and I thought, you know what, this is a miracle.  My J-Man is my own private miracle. 

I don't know how many times I replayed that song through the spring and summer leading up to the big day.  And goodness knows how many times afterward, 3000 miles from home, from where we first met, from where the entirety of my life had been lived.  I'd turn it on when I would clean our Washington state apartment and think "how did I get all the way out here?" 

Now we're back, and we're making friends in our new east coast life.  We're facing struggles in the "miracle" department in other ways.  But every time I see a first dance, no matter how crazy the rest of the wedding might be, I'll always kiss my J-Man's shaved cheek and remind him I want to stay with him.