May and Me

I've been trying to practice intentional self care these past few weeks. (Don't I sound so in touch with my 2017 self in that sentence?) For real though, I know there are plenty of self-help books to tell me how to navigate the incredibly emotionally exhausting roller coaster of likely divorce, but none of them are actually written just for me and my marriage so it's still a lot of trial and error.

You know, like how I spent the first full weekend J-Man got with the kids alternating between watching Thirteen Reasons Why and packing all his things - therefore obsessing over memories in certain clothes and sobbing over tucked away love notes. That was a rough forty-eight hours...

Instead, I've been using the month of May to avoid sliding into depression or terrible binge teen tv-watching by keeping busy. First there was  SA's wedding (I guess I should call her Dr. S, or really double Dr. S with the whole MD/PhD amazingness she has going on). Then a friend invited me to a hot yoga class. I should clarify it wasn't technically bikram because the thermostat only read 99 degrees but that's hot to me. And despite having to occasionally take breathing breaks in child's pose, I was pretty impressed with how well I rocked those 75 minutes. Also all the cheesy yoga talk about feeling open and refreshed and centered really applied. So the next week I bought a yoga mat and my first official pair of yoga pants and have been trying out videos in my living room since. Even the boys have gotten in on the action.

A different weekend I went to visit FR in New York. Sadly EK wasn't there since she is a a professional wedding attendee (or so it seems) but FR and I had plenty to keep us chatting. Our lives may not be mirror images, but I know I found it therapeutic and comforting to talk and talk and walk and eat and talk the whole time. She shared a favorite breakfast spot with me and I shared a favorite with her from my and DrDrSA's time in NYC - only 2.5 blocks from FR! - and we mutually indulged in our love of Central Park and Broadway. The musical we saw was War Paint, and those impressive voices almost made us dip into Sephora to buy some face cream. Then we decided that until we're real make-up wearers, we'll save our cash and pray the wrinkles appear slowly and gracefully.

This weekend, while I didn't expressly celebrate fallen soldiers, I did hang out with veteran Big O and KB's family for a fantastic cookout. I also did a 24 hour trip to Winchester where the boys got their rural activity fill by burning trash, riding the Gator, walking to the mailbox with Granddad, and checking on the garden.

Today we hit up a favorite A-town spot and watched the planes take off above our heads. They love the loud noise and the feeling like you can reach up and touch the giant jet-liners.

That and tossing rocks in the river, quacking at ducks, waving at turtles, and making new friends. For me it was a nice break from their recent need to be Captain Underpants. All. Day. Long.

All this to say that I didn't magically flip a switch on my birthday and stop feeling sad or crying, but May's been good. I'm being good to myself. So here's hoping June's more of the same, if not better.

Good Riddance, 32

Guess who just finished celebrating her first solo birthday with her first solo wedding! That's right, this woman right here.

 (I was gonna write "this girl" but at 33, it's time I call myself a woman, I think.)

Now, I can't say that I survived the birthday weekend unscathed. I mean, I did sob while driving through the pouring rain at 8am after dropping off the boys, but a phone call to Big Sis and reassuring texts from KB and other friends helped keep it the only real cry of the day.

With that behind me I ventured out to get my hair relaxed at a new salon. And no, I haven't dyed the gray yet. Despite lots of people asking me. Just so you know, I don't plan on changing my mind any time soon, but feel free to keep asking. Seriously. The endless inquiries make me feel amazing. So young. So beautiful. So treasured for my intellect and personality. Can you tell how much I love being judged for something my body is doing naturally? I'm looking at you, random man at Target who felt the need to know if all that gray was real. Awesome.

Less sarcastically, I ate at the bar in Olive Garden while reading another Liane Moriarty novel and it was pretty fantastically self-indulgent.

So with my hair done and lasagna enjoyed I joined KB and O and hit the road to wild and wonderful WV for SA's wedding. There was a moment during the rehearsal when I realized I'd be walking down the aisle to the same song I walked down my own wedding aisle to and my eyes welled on instinct, but remembering it was SA's day and she is an incredible and wonderful friend, I told my emotions to save the pity party for another weekend and pushed through.

After that moment I honestly forgot it was my birthday for hours. We ate and laughed and crossed our fingers the weather would stay warm and sunny for Saturday (spoiler: it didn't). At the end of the night, back in the amazing cabin that we hope to revisit in September - according to Big O we will definitely be back, and fishing, with the little ones - we ate birthday cookies and it sunk in that I was 33.

The next day there were only tiny moments of heartbreak that sneaked in. I knew they would. I breathed them in and exhaled them back out. I accepted hugs from kind friends old and new, and I danced. A lot. With a confidence I owe to J-Man and eleven years of him insisting we always be on the dance floor within minutes of it being opened to the crowd. I wished I had someone to dance with. Then a new song would come on and I'd shoo that thought away and keep dancing.

I kept dancing.

And dancing.

And dancing.

Until the band packed up and we were the final twelve or so folks on the floor.

It kept my body warm in the crazy-cold, see-your-breath, wear-a-coat-through-dinner, night.

It kept my heart warm to be in motion. To cling to the songs about love and happiness and celebration, even if they all didn't feel 100% like current anthems.

SA's wedding was beautiful, and deserves more of a post than this, but what I realized about myself through the weekend is that for my 33rd year, I'm ready to be a doer. I'm ready to say yes. I'm ready to take the confidence I learned in the early years with J-Man, braving the chaos of Harlem and NYCTF, two cross-country moves, the madness of questionable fertility, the juggling act of two under two, and keep pushing forward.

I'm going to say yes more this year.

Yes, I'm going to NYC in two weeks.

Yes, I plan to have applied to grad school by my next birthday.

Yes, I will be on that committee or go to this yoga class or help out with those activities.

Even, yes I will recognize that I need a good cry, YA book and early bedtime to recharge before continuing to say yes to something else.

Yes, I will be happy this year.

Good riddance, 32. You brought too much heartache. You left too many scars. You demanded too many tears and compromises and surrenders.

Hello, 33. Bring on your adventures. Show me your hidden surprises. Tempt me with your possibilities. Teach me what to do with this bowl of lemons because I'm ready for the pitchers and pitchers of lemonade now.

Bring. It. On.

NYC Revisited: Day Two

The morning after the wedding we slept in until a whopping 8:30. (Full disclosure I woke up at 5:45 and remembered I could keep sleeping, again at 7 and figured why not see what happened, and then at 8:30 knew that this was the latest my body could possibly understand how to stay asleep).

After a cute breakfast enjoying outdoor seating and people-watching we lazily set up our plan for the day. It revolved around eating, and particularly tracking down a portobello mushroom sandwich with mozzarella and tomato and zucchini that had once made me briefly consider being a vegetarian. We've thought about this appetizer for years and were so excited to see that even though restaurants like Orbit and Creole and One Fish Two Fish are no longer in existence, Ricardo's still was.

J-Man and I soon set off to walk from 80th and Broadway across the park and uptown to 110th and 2nd. We stopped to take some photos, though J-Man reminded me that we didn't need many. After all, we once lived here, and we can come back whenever. Still, I wanted to capture some cuteness.

By the time we'd crossed the park my legs were already laughing at me and my suburb-driving self that doesn't exercise. My hips were like "you know we could've taken a cab right? or a bus or train or uber or horse carriage..." I grabbed a Snapple from a street vendor and told those legs to shove it. I'm still as city fit as I was at 22. In my mind.

Crossing back uptown was a fun adventure. The shift in color and culture of the people on the street came a little farther north than it used to, and people were actually brunching outside above 96th street. But soon enough we were back in our neighborhood. We blended in again, the Spanish chatter started to pick up, and the city transformed into what somehow once was home. Sure enough, as we turned the final corner, there was Ricardo's just as we'd remembered it.

Actually, it was busier than we remembered. And there was a DJ playing poppy hip-hop music. We waited for a table and looked over the brunch menu only to find... what?! No portobello?!?!? How had we not considered once that the menu could have changed in the eight years since we'd last visited? We had to laugh and roll our eyes at ourselves. Of course New York was changing without us. Luckily, the menu was still delicious, and while I'm not a food-picture-taker in general, I did snap this little beauty. Maybe it'll still be around in eight more years?

We walked another six blocks north to see if Mojitos was still around too. That place was our staple once upon a time. Work happy hours, late night tacos, flaming cucarachas. Not only was it going strong, but 116th had some sort of street fair happening. It reminded me of the week after I moved in and the Puerto Rican festival just popped up outside my window. I know when Papa H dropped me off in Harlem the day after my ivy-covered college graduation we were all a little nervous about the neighborhood, but I felt nothing but happy memories standing on the corner.

And J-Man had nothing but good memories standing on his own old stoop too, just a block away from mine.

In case you're wondering, my legs insisted that we cab it back and relax for a few hours next. We watched Spotlight and dozed before starting up friend time. Highly recommended by the way.

Our next food focal point was Tony's Di Napoli. I know there's tons of great Italian food in this city so not everyone will agree, but this one is our favorite. It was always a reliable meal I could take my parents to without exotic cuisine fusions dominating the menu. V joined us - providing stories that could prove to our other college friends that she does still exist and work and isn't on a top secret government assignment - and so did Miss F.  We ordered our favorite zucchini chips and ziti and J-Man's only acceptable chicken marsala. Conversation floated from stealing babies to AMNH exhibits to new job opportunities and of course, the boys we missed so dearly. Also, because V is quite elusive - I took some proof of life.

Back on the west side we finally got to see EK and her husband and thank them for letting us treat their apartment as our personal hotel for the weekend. EK, Miss F and I ate sweets and caught up on life while the boys chatted and discussed the Olympic gymnast's compound fracture.

It was all quite lovely. A perfect little trip. And exhausted we all headed to bed happy.

Oh, and because I like snapchat still, here's my story :)

NYC Revisited: Day One

Earlier this year a few girls in my first period class taught me all the wonders of Snapchat. This obviously made me feel old, but also brought me around to capturing the fun moments in life as they arise, writing all over them, and then adding stickers. Like this...

And while instagram is trying to steal the Snap thunder with their story feature, I've only just recently gotten the hang of these, and won't be converting to anything new too soon. So, since you probably aren't one of the four people who ever look at my snaps, let me use them to tell you a little about J-Man's and my trip back to NYC.

First off, it should be noted that Facebook reminded me that J-Man and I have been friends for ten years now. And that's pretty exact, because back in '06 I was pretty quick to add a friend right after meeting them in order to preserve that connection forever. I was in a brand new city, he was a crazy guy who invited me to see spectacles, we were both on a journey to make a difference and be grown-up teachers. Oh, and he had air conditioning.

Ten years later we were back to see another Teaching Fellow, E-Drizzle get married. We hopped on an Amtrak train, left the little guys behind, and set forth into nostalgia.

Within minutes of hailing our first cab (J-Man didn't want to subway and I felt weird using Uber in the world of yellow taxis) we remembered just how loud and smelly and hot and vibrant the city is. We dodged a street fair and multiple ambulances as we swerved our way to the Upper West Side to stay in our friend EK's lovely apartment. There we'd stay alongside another couple attending a different NYC wedding while EK and her husband were off at yet another wedding in Wisconsin.

Within the next hour we bumped into my friend V - who tends to disappear for months at a time - so it was pretty amazing that our paths crossed at all. We promised to catch up later and continued on our way.

E-Drizzle's wedding was lovely, even though we ended up inside rather than the outdoor park as they'd hoped. It was me, J-Man and two other former NYCTF English teachers and we hung out and talked books. My self-published one, another's upcoming poetry one, and another's currently in the query phase one. After some bouts of not feeling very accomplished in life lately, that conversation reminded me to snap out of it and enjoy the things that have made me happy. I wrote a book. It exists, imperfections and all, and it's ok to feel proud of that.

I proceeded to eat too much, meet new people, dance a bit, smile a ton, and have a fantastic time in the upstairs bar reception. The whole event was incredibly New York, and incredibly them and came along with the beauty of remembering my own vows in the place where I met the man I would love more passionately than I could have ever imagined.

cab ride home - 2016

cab ride home 2006

The day was wonderful, the company too, and it was only the first of the fantastic trip.

Flashback to Easter

Oh man, where to begin?!

First, as I always am after a long break, I'm sorry for disappearing for a couple months. I could pretend that it's because things have been just so darn wonderful that I've been too busy to write, but the truth is that 2016 has been emotionally difficult in ways that I'm not going to write about today (or ever?). And even though the best thing for me to do when I'm feeling down is to write, it's also when I'm least interested in doing so.

Instead of catching up on it all, I'm going to start with some old memories and just cross my fingers that I don't lose steam.

So... remember Easter and Spring Break?  It seems I never wrote about them. Oops!

We spent the first weekend visiting Big Sis's house now that she lives in our same state. MDG got to see his favorite dog in the whole world, and we even braved a rainy and super cold egg hunt.

At J-Man's request, we took the boys on their first bowling adventure. They loved it. (It's in their genes). And yeah, I rocked it.

Plus, how great to see all these girls. I miss girls. I mean, I love my boys of course, but how great to have so many girls!!

Ok. Boys are awake now. More from Spring break coming tomorrow. Or in two months. We'll see.

Thanksgiving Break 2015

Thanksgiving was really, really nice. Why?

1) No school on Wednesday! - This was a change now that we start before Labor Day, and one I can definitely get behind. After all, it's when I had a chance to handle all my hair anxiety.

2) A nice visit home! - The boys love seeing their Mama and Papa H and the feeling is mutual. Sometimes when I get annoyed by NOVA or get antsy like I want to pick up and move on a whim, it's nice to be reminded why we moved here in the first place. Seeing MDG and PDG light up and rush inside for hugs and toys and stories as fast as they can does just that trick.

3) Christmas card photo success! - I'll do another post on that when I'm sure I've tracked down all my addresses and gotten them out. Hopefully you've gotten yours by now. Clearly we needed Mama and Papa H to help with this year...

4) Family photos! - Mama H is sending a letter and some photos out with her cards this year and asked for something non-silly. I'll post what we got below. Someone please explain to me why my very happy baby boy refuses to look happy for the camera. The fact that we got a smile for the card was its own Christmas miracle, and clearly not repeated.

5) A nice trip to Great Grandma's house! - Sometimes MDG and PDG flip out when we go to GGma's house in Maryland. They have tantrums or refuse to give hugs/kisses/any attention at all. It leads to conflict because we don't visit enough and stress levels go up. Of course, we usually aim for morning visits. This time we did a 4pm arrival, the kids were awesome even without many toys to distract them, they were super affectionate, and we all left feeling all holiday happy.

6) A warm day for putting up lights! - J-Man is slowly becoming less grinchly over time, and while he's still winning the artificial tree battle, our yard gets brighter each year.

7) Even more warmth for raking the leaves! - Procrastination can pay off, folks. I've been too lazy or cold or dry to want to step foot in the back yard for a while, but then this warm spell came through and I was so glad I didn't do it earlier. PDG jumped, then taught MDG to jump, and I raked for all of ten  minutes before just taking pictures and heading back inside.

So yeah, a great five days with a million things to be thankful for. Now, when's Christmas break?

About July...

So I woke up before 6am this morning and thought to myself, I miss blogging.

Really, I miss writing. That's half the reason I blog anyway. It's fun to write, and I'm a little less insane when I do it consistently - hence the overloaded handwritten journals of the early 2000s stuffed in random places around my childhood home.

Speaking of which, I discovered my journals from 3rd and 4th grade a month ago. Amazing.

So for the few minutes until the rest of the family awakens, let me begin a three month summary of life with the G's.

July
The babies and I flew to see Big Sis and celebrate our sweet new Baby C. She was tiny and precious and made me have all those feelings about how newborns are such miracles which naturally made my latent hormones say MAKE ANOTHER ONE OF THESE STAT!!! Then it would be time for a feeding or I'd see my sister's eyes after a rough night and my brain would scream back SHOP STILL CLOSED!!!

Big Sis had a rough go of July, so I was glad to get to see her and know that she was recovering from all the craziness. I got jealous of her beautiful big house that made living with your parents and sister's family for a week right after having a newborn somehow not the worst thing in the world. I tried to convince her that I didn't need to see any sights in town this visit, I just wanted to hang out with her and her growing family, and also not die of heat exhaustion. So there were sprinklers, and bubble baths, and a weird board game with a name I forget and lots of HGTV to pass the time. The week was fantastic, but far too short.

Back in our own house, we beat the heat with Camp Nicole some more, and bought a little kiddie pool that our little kiddies loved. Ok, that's a lie. PDG loved it. MDG thought about loving it, decided he hated it, and then after enough coercion decided sure, why not, I guess I could kinda love it.

The weekend before Grandma S came to town, the check engine light came on our beloved Pathfinder. Yes, the one I learned to drive on back in the late '90s. More on that saga another post.

We drove our new vehicle (you're in suspense, aren't you? I knew it! Ha!) to Ocean City where this family of non-water people did the best we could creating beach memories for the future. And it was all well and good until a stupid bug bite on my arm started turning puffy and red with streaks going all over the place. J-Man was sure it was nothing. Grandma S was certain I was dying. I was in the middle thinking it looked weird, but surely it could wait until vacation was over.

We arrived at Grandma S's friend's house in Annapolis on the last day of our vacation where, within 30 seconds of seeing my arm, she was telling me I had an infection trying to get into my bloodstream and needed to be on antibiotics within hours or else I'd be hooked up to IVs in a hospital like someone else I know had to be once before. Even though she's a nurse, it still sounded a little cuckoo, but I listened and sent J-Man straight to the pharmacy as she called it in.

If you're thinking all this still sounds pretty normal, throw in Grandma S having debilitating back spasms and her friend disappearing for four hours right after this moment because her dog was hemorrhaging and all of us hanging out at her house with her three dogs, praying my toddlers don't destroy anything. And, oh yeah, the dog got put to sleep before she got back so she called to insist we cook her food and eat dinner at her house without her. It wasn't the antibiotics making me feel a little dizzy...

In the end, there was swimming in the pool and smores in the fire pit and the swollen red streaks never hit my lymph nodes. July ended as fast as it always does and we moved onward into the final weeks of summer.

AB15 Quick Recap

Another picture recap.

Spring came and so did lots and lots of blossoms.

 I took a half day Friday to get home for the Fireman's parade, which the boys loved. Of course, despite having a grand time, MDG decided not to smile for any cameras.

 Taking a pink and green family photo was even more impossible, but we gave it our best shot.

 J-Man insisted on some Seahawk pride alongside his Apple Blossom Spirit

 And as a grand finale I got to see these girls!

The night ended with four of us sitting in a car outside the deserted midway, searching our phone contacts for people who might know where we could watch the big fight, and surprisingly staying out til 1am like 22 year olds. And Sunday naturally included a nap!

Spring Break 2015 aka TX2NOLA2TX

Here goes, Spring Break in pictures:

 PDG spent plenty of time just like this. We flew into Houston, drove to Austin, made our way all the way to New Orleans, then headed back to fly back out of Houston again. Saturday to Saturday.

 In Austin we saw a great friend who taught in the Bronx with me and her sweet family. My boys fell in love with her girls and vice versa. They played to exhaustion while we caught up and we all enjoyed Texas staples like barbecue and kolaches.

 It feels like we were both just in NYC falling in love and tearing our hair out at the craziness of our CSSJ administration and students. Yet here we are, eight years later, married with babies.

From Austin we drove a ridiculous amount well into Lousiana, stopped long enough to sleep, and kept on chugging until we hit the Big Easy. Needless to say, J-Man's favorite part was the seafood. PDG and MDG had their own reactions 

 I insisted that we do all the touristy things like Cafe du Monde for Beignets and balloons and J-Man held his tongue about how much he dislikes standing in line for things that everyone else wants.

 At Mama H's insistence we took a carriage ride through downtown.

 Well, PDG missed most of it... but I had a grand time.

 Um, I don't know what this church is, but it was pretty and looked important. I'm not a very good tourist it turns out...

And... uh-oh... look who found the leftover beignets...

 This next one is just because J-Man is J-Man and looks for a good joke wherever he can find it.

 We took the trolley to the flower district which the boys love because they're boys and love trains and adventures and fresh air.

 We got a little lost looking for the zoo. but ultimately had a great stay.

 Soon enough we packed up and headed for a Louisiana resort (not an oxymoron) that happens to be a casino with a lovely lazy river.

 The next day we made it to Houston where we frolicked in one of their great parks like true Texans. I mean, look at PDG with his bare feet and blue jeans.

While Houston itself was fun to explore, especially the Children's Museum (which puts DC's to shame) the highlight was seeing another NYC Teaching Fellow and her family.

All in all it was a pretty fantastic trip. Not particularly relaxing, but jam-packed and lots of fun, book-ended by great friends.