Pump Today Gone Tomorrow

Why is mom guilt so heavy?  Why?  Even when logic tells me that I'm doing right by PDG, or even more than just ok - sometimes pretty darn great - I can convince myself that I'm failing.

I could point my finger in a few different directions, but regardless the reason, I feel guilty about how much I dislike pumping.

In the mornings PDG eats while I pump.  No biggie on weekdays, but we do it on weekends too to make up for what I don't make during the week.  So when we're up on Saturday morning, we're really truly up.  Plugged in, lights on, ready to roll.  Then, on weekdays, I have a 25 minute lunch.  That includes rushing the kids out the door on their way to the cafeteria, locking up behind them, walking to the lounge, getting my pump, going to the Mommy Room, plugging in, eating a snack, guzzling a drink, unplugging, cleaning up, getting the milk to the fridge, and getting back to the classroom.  On "even days" when I have planning during 6th, I can sometimes postpone the pumping til then, but only if I'm not too uncomfortable.

After school I do the same process, less stressful on days without department meetings, co-planning, or student stuy sessions to work around.  So, yeah, usually just as stressful to fit in.

Now, I do it because I love PDG.  I do it because that phrase "breast is best" got stuck in my head somewhere along the way.  I do it because I said I would until he's one.  I do it because my mom breastfed all of us kids.  I do it because it sounded too selfish to stop.

But you know what?  I decided not to do it anymore.  In 2013 I won't pump during the day and PDG will take two bottles of formula.  We'll still nurse the twice in the evening and once in the morning for a few more months, (provided he stays interested and my supply remains) but the other two I'm giving up.

Today, to start the weaning, he took one bottle of formula, and in a couple days we'll give him the second one.  Despite me wondering if I'm doing something wrong, or if I'll regret this, or if I'm just a crazy person, he drank that milk like it was the best thing he'd ever tasted.

So I'm going to try to treat myself the way I've treated everyone I know who has used formula all along.  I'm going to give myself a break and remember that in some circumstances, formula is actually best. That a happy, less-stressed mom is important. That this decision is neither the most influential, nor the last, decision I'll make as a mother.

So why do I still feel a little guilty?  I'm not sure.  It isn't logical.  And I'm going to have to get over it.