Baby, Baby, Baby, Oh!

Two weeks ago I woke up and did as I regretably have done almost every 12dpo for months now - I lost the battle to my addiction.  I was so disappointed in myself that I didn't even have the nerve to flip the test over.  Vacation was looming and I needed to get my pity party out of the way so I could relax in the hammocks like any other non-pregnant Mexico traveler.

I flipped it over only to see...

Could it be?

No.

No way.

Wait!

Maybe?

Definitely!

A second line?!?!?!

I got on the phone and frantically called my J-Man.

Office line.  Cell phone.  Office phone.  Cell phone.

"J-Man, it's me.  Um, call me when you get this. K? Bye."

I paced the apartment only half dressed and a neurotic mess.  I never put down that pee stick for fear it would magically shift back or I would wake up from the best dream of my life.

"Hello?  J-Man - we did it!"

Quiet pause. "Did what?"

"We made a baby!!!!!!"

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Fast forward two weeks, a few shrieks from the people I've had the chance to tell, a few nightmares about the million things that can still go horribly wrong, advice from some, hugs from others, continued hours on the same websites as before - but now as a member of a monthly message board, and we arrive at today, the big 1st prenatal appointment.

There's lots of information out there about what to expect.  This is especially true on a website titled after a book that tackles what to expect when, like me, you're expecting.  (I'm expecting!?!)

I had my pregnancy journal with my important dates.  It has questions to ask and things I've been feeling and other key things that might come up in a doctor's conversation.

I sat in the waiting room with women with big bellies, women with little bellies, women too old to be there about growing bellies, and I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

My doctor was already running behind, and when they called me back after nearly an hour, I felt less annoyed because my dizziness had subsided, I'd found a bathroom, and I'd been informed that she was running behind because she was dealing with an emergency of a woman who seemed to be dealing with a miscarriage.

How can you be mad at that?

I started thinking, while staring at my Parenting and Me magazine, that if I were having a crisis, I'd hope the doctor would care more about me than the waiting others, at least for a little while.  So I casually read.

Finally I went into the room with the sonogram machine, which was a surprise to say the least.  They'd been very clear that this exam would NOT inlude that, and therefore I had told J-Man not to worry and to come to the next one that probably would. 

I lay back as she did her thing, and stared at the screen in hopes of seeing a baby.  My baby.  If you can call something that tiny a baby.  ('When does life begin' conversation avoided)

We didn't see anything.

There was this black hole, a tiny black hole, where the doc said maybe something could be.  But her face showed concern. 

This practice is known for doctors who don't beat around the bush.  They're firm and caring, but they don't hold your hand.  They tell you what you need to know, and ask for questions after.

So much for my list of questions.  Instead, the only question that remained was - is a baby even growing? 

The machine is notably old - there was hope.  And perhaps it was still just a couple days too early.  At this stage, a couple days makes a huge difference.

Or it could be something really sad, that makes me teary just typing.

She gave me a referral to a lab with a fancier machine.  She reminded me it could all be great, but just in case we need to know.  We don't want the pregnancy to be in the wrong part of my body.  Or not developing at all. 

I emailed J-Man with the subject line "scared" from my phone.  They drew my blood.  I called the referral place.  I got an appointment.  I went to work.  I stuck with the motions. 

I asked myself, will crying help?

Nope.

Ok, I'll know something soon enough.  Nothing has been easy yet, why would my first appointment?  That's just how things are.  That's what I'm used to.  I'm kinda ok with that.  J-Man loves me still.

When I saddled up for a second ultrasound of the day the lady began clicking and zooming and measuring and very quickly I could see a black bean with a white circle and within that white circle a white little dandelion seed.  It vibrated ever so slightly, apparently just having developed its heart in the last day or so.  Next to that teeny tiny nothing of a dot, the technician drew an arrow and typed the word "BABY." 

That is my, very much alive, very itsy bitsy, child.  Everything it needs it has right now.  I'm ok, and it's ok and life is very much ok.

Due date according to current size - 3/3/12