Let Go

Have you ever been laid off?  I'm not talking fired, like you did something wrong and got caught and deep down you always knew this termination was a possibility.  I'm talking you were great at your job, beating benchmarks, loved by the team you managed, and considered someone with seniority and expertise worth sharing with new staff and then boom.  That's it.  Your position no longer exists.

It's no fun.

It's particularly no fun when you've just had a baby, are still on leave, are pretty sure, but not certain, that you're done paying for all the hospital and doctor bills associated with delivery, well-baby, and post-partum.

Sure, there's silver lining.  The company's been making some strange decisions lately and headed in a direction that's questionable to say the least.  And yes, this is better than quitting since you'd still get unemployment which is actually not all that much less than your income would be while working but paying for daycare.

Still, there's something that boils inside you about it all.  You envision an SNL skit with Seth Meyers repeating "Really?" over and over again with witty quips.

And then, after the shock and anger, is that moment of pouting.  It's like someone just dumped you before you could dump them.  So you don't get to go around celebrating being a free woman.  Instead the closest you can call it is a "mutual decision."  And everyone knows when someone broke up mutually, they got dumped. Even if they're beautiful.  Even if they're smart.  Even if they made more money.

Anyway, this is my life now.  My severance check comes soon, followed by an unknown amount of unemployment checks too.  Naptimes are filled with resume updates and job applications.  Anxiety dreams are no longer just ones of accidentally dropping PDG, but also homelessness and poverty.  And every once in a while I find myself muttering something about the school that I went to and don't they know who I am.  Right before I see a smile on this little guy's face and I realize just how lucky I actually am.  A couple more weeks of this, hope for a job with a company moving in an upward trajectory, security thanks to my J-Man's work ethic and my past frugality.

Nah, this wasn't mutual.

I win.