That Old Familiar Feeling

Last week I thought I was pregnant.  No, I didn't have the tell-tale sign of a billion trips to the bathroom, but I still just had this feeling.

Then, you know how minds can work, it started to spiral.  I started to feel hungrier.  But then, was I hungry that early in the first trimester?  Probably not.  So I started to feel full and tired.  Though didn't I have a ton of energy when we went to Mexico right after I tested positive?

My mind wanted to make it real, but couldn't remember quite what that was supposed to feel like.

It was funny, that week or so of being nervous to test.  On one hand I was facing the addiction of pre-PDG. Simultaneously I was nervous.  Scared of what others would think.  Scared of how I'd keep up the energy for working.  Scared I wouldn't be able to give PDG everything he deserved if I had them too close together.

Then hours later I'd be excited and hopeful again.  I'd imagine PDG and future baby EG or MG (yeah, we've had all these names for a long time now) growing up and playing together as best friends.  I'd think of myself next summer with an infant and with PDG home from daycare parttime and all of us being a cute, tired, happy family that would make day trips to have lunch with daddy in the Towne Center like this past summer.

Anyway, I finally decided this world of wondering wasn't healthy and took the test.

Some things don't change.  Ever.  I was still sad to see it wasn't so.  I still threw it away, and then double checked a little bit later to be sure it was reallyreally so.  I still pouted and then cheered myself up with a reassurance that anything could still be possible.

I dunno, I guess maybe I am ready.  Maybe?  Really, I don't know.

I do know that I love my little family.  I know I'm not in any rush.  I know that having children is not something I can ever control, and that the emotions that come with it can overtake me.

I just hope that I can stay level-headed about whatever does come next.  And if I do find myself with something to announce over the next months or years, good or bad, please just don't judge me, K?

Thanks.

Now to go eat some more, because pregnant or not, I could really go for some chocolate right now.