Ups and Downs and the Zoo

Not long ago a friend who knows me well, and who does not have children, asked me how I was handling summer vacation with my two little guys.  I struggled to find words before summarizing it as follows:

"It's going ok. I mean, at some point every day I want to pull my hair out and scream 'why do I have children?!' but other than that, good."

She smiled. And at the nearby table (we were in Panera like good ol' Pton days) a mother of a preteen smiled and laughed to herself, seemingly in agreement.

I like that there's this movement and openness about how parenthood can be the best and worst thing ever, and how those two emotions can swing back and forth within the same day/hour/activity. Lots of people are writing about it.  Makes me feel less alone in the roller coaster. Nevertheless, ups and downs abound.

A few days ago I took the boys to the national zoo. It was a morning after MDG had woken up a ridiculous four times for his paci before deciding to just be totally up at 5:45, but it was supposed to be good weather so we went for it. I dressed the boys in lions and tigers and headed into the city. Yes, I got lost. We won't dwell on that.

We found the two hour free parking (Harvard St), and hiked our way up that giant hill of a zoo. PDG loved it. There were lions and tigers (we didn't go see bears this trip) and orangutans crossing on the high wires, and prairie dogs and too many turtles to count and, and, and... it seemed like we saw a lot in those two hours. MDG dozed off, but PDG was alert and curious and a really good listener.

We had prepared healthy snacks both ways in the car and only barely got turned around before getting home just in time for a full lunch and naptime. But then, in a twisted turn of events, naptime failed. PDG didn't sleep a wink. MDG, distracted by PDG's very loud non-sleeping, kept almost falling asleep, before waking suddenly and angrily. I was exhausted from the workout and the driving stress and the night before. I just needed a little time. Thirty minutes?

I think that's actually what I did eventually get from MDG, despite the banging of PDG rolling and kicking in his bed "reading." It just felt like they would never, ever, ever sleep again.

I wanted to pull my hair out.

(Non)Quiet time ended and we played with toys. We made a "tunnel" out of soda boxes like the one below and we giggled and raced and cooperated. We walked to the park, played, and after some bribery to leave, returned home from the park. It was grand.

Then PDG wanted to stand in the doorway letting in mosquitoes and flies and I made him close the door. He flipped out. Wails and tears and kicking and slumping to the ground and all so, so LOUD!

I again wanted to pull my hair out.

I thought back to what I've read about tantrums. Using language he'd understand. Empathizing. Only acknowledging good behavior. I'm sure I remembered some of it wrong, but I was genuinely trying. And he was genuinely shrieking. And MDG was going back and forth between laughing at him (was this a silly big brother game?) and crying (is someone hurting my big brother? is he ok?!?).

So. Loud.

Of course, that's when J-Man walked in. Based on the scene, he assumed it was a bad day. Who could blame him? How do you explain that, despite this moment right here, right now, and a few other very real and overwhelming points in the day, it was actually great? I might've had some of the best moments of the summer that day.

What he saw was me, frazzled, covered in spit-up and dinner ingredients, with a furrowed brow and an expression of these-are-your-kids-not-mine.

After we successfully calmed down and ate food and completed the bedtime rituals, he and I got to talk. I got to tell him about my day. I got to remember everything that had made it fantastic. I got to contextualize how few minutes, all things considered, were actually terrible.

I don't know how one does that when there's screaming and needing and irrational commotion. I don't know if I'll ever spend 10-12 solo hours with babies and toddlers and avoid daily pull-my-hair-out moments. But that's what parenthood feels like to me right now.

It's going ok.  Great even.  But I definitely want to scream sometimes.

Oh, and I'm definitely going back to the zoo.

so many baby lions!