Plan Reasonable

The other day I may or may not have had too much time on my hands.  The thing with this job is, sometimes you want to tear your hair out because there aren't enough hours in the day, and sometimes you spend 40% of your work day googling things like soy isoflavens, HSG scans and infertility testing timelines.  You know, normal ebb and flow stuff.

Needless to say, I had a day with some extra time for google recently, and I went all out.  I mean all out.

I like reading the message boards and the blogs because they remind me I'm not that crazy.  And I like hearing the stories of success, some days, and the stories of hardship but perseverance, other days.  It just depends.

I started thinking about what a process this has been, but how it's probably true that before now it might not have worked to have a baby.  That this probably is the way things are "supposed to be" even if the thought of that comment makes me want to slap people.  I mean, my dearly-loved J-Man and I have wanted this for a while now, but, you know, we also had to move across the country.  We would've made it work, which is why we didn't give up, but you know, hindsight says things were easier with it being two, not two and a belly. 

This of course makes me think the worst, though.  Like maybe I'm not pregnant because, gasp, something horribly awful is wrong with me and I'd be bringing a child into this world right before I'd be taken out of it and what a cruel thing that would be to this unborn unconceived perfect being.  (maybe I've inherited a flare for the dramatic..?)  Or something less fatal, but more along the lines of everyone at my company probably secretly hates me and I'm going to be laid off so this is a protection so that I won't be pregnant with no insurance and have to give birth myself in the bathtub which sounds so disgusting and not natural because we aren't fish.

But at any rate, when I wasn't going down mental paths like those, I decided to inform myself on a few things.  And make a plan.  Which, if you care, I can share privately.

There was the Unreasonable Plan first.  That included secret doctor appointments, taking money from my for-gifts-only, personal bank account and maybe even purchasing some needle-less syringes (don't ask...).  But I had to do the thing where I imagine how the conversation would go with J-Man when he inevitably got the mail with a bill (because that's a husband chore around here) and how he'd be disappointed/frustrated/confused and how maybe that might make him not as excited to have a baby with me. Ya know, maybe.

Granted, I didn't decide this right away, because we all know I'm pretty, um, results-oriented?, but I did eventually figure out that I should create a less ridiculous plan.  So Plan B aka Plan Reasonable was born.  And the conversation went as I'd imagined, which thankfully was good.  And so now we have a direction if, you know, the desirable outcome doesn't happen naturally in our agreed upon window.

I gotta say though, while I miss the days where free internet time meant online scrabble, facebook stalking and game show network's Lingo, I kinda get a kick out of my new obsessions. And as a euphemism, I think I'll stick to terms like "research," "curiosities," and "strengthening my knowledge of the core subject matter."  And J-Man will keep calling me baby crazy :)